L O V E

okay, so in around thirty minutes it will once again be valentine's day. totally no big deal or whatever, but it does make me think. it has officially been one year since a bought myself a rose and hung it on the dreamcatcher in my car, ill be damned if it isnt still there. it now resembles a shrunken head, but it is still hanging on and beating out all other forms of love ive received in said year. it has been almost two tears (o my god, that was an accident, but how freudian!) anyways two Years since ive been in anything resembling actual love, unless you include my love of rabbits, rilke, strawberry milk or iron butterfly and nick cave. i do not count these things because im pretty sure its all unrequited. after spending about ten years of my life in two serious relationships the very idea of being single for this long never occured to me. so heres my question: what happened? or rather, what has been happening in my life that either i dont care to share it with anyone else or that no one else care to share it with me? and likely it is a combination of the two, as i tend to be interested in people who are not interested in me and not interested in those who are. "i would never be in a club who would have the likes of me as a member" - groucho marx... okay, fine, maybe i do have a little of that going on, but i am also a firm believer in being moved by someone. in the past 18 or so months ive just not really been all that moved and when i think someone has the potential to be "moving" the whole thing just never comes together. or, more often, i try to pretend someone has said potential until i just cant stand to be around them anymore and oops, theres another person who gives me dirty looks from across the bar. now i certainly know some people dont consider me to be very good girlfriend material, well boys, thats because im single! this whole idea of marrying the two selves confuses me, single pam and relationship pam are two very different animals, like a unicorn and a flea. or something. im totally into domestic things, but im not gonna sit around and bake myself a pie to take on an all pam picnic. but i might do it for you, if i am moved to do so.